This is an ad on Craigslist, the guy is getting hammered now

[PABassPlayer]

This is long as fuck, but the dude is serious, and it's pretty funny. Even if you just read some of it...

Hello, my name is Carl Anthony and I am Starting one of the Classiest New Wedding-Party Bands to Intoxicate the Philadelphia, South Jersey Area – The Band is Called “Champagne” and it will have the complete backing of a Corporate Talent Agency – Yet to be named -
I already have had great replies from Tenor Saxophone to Guitar Players but I have not found the foundation of the Group and that would be a Great Keyboard Player [Male or Female] with the latest equipment with Sequence and or Midi ability – and a Beautiful Fantastic Up to Date Female Singer – I Sing the Standards and the Golden Oldies and Specialize in Doo Opp so we do not need anymore of that – “Champagne” Needs a Beautiful Girl or Women that Looks Sexual in a Classy way - that can sing all of the Female Hits on The Top 40 Charts and back to the 90’s – If you are a star quality Female Currently Singing in a 3 or 4 Front Line Working Corporate Group and you are tired of waiting for your turn to sing lead and shine – You need to seriously consider taking some time off and apply with my Group “Champagne” –
It will just be you and I in the Front and I can assure you – that the audience will be looking at you in your sexy dress - not me – you can sing the New Material and I will Sing the Old – there should be no problem with ego’s - Understand that the main goal of “Champagne” is to produce a Big Intoxicating Sound with the least amount of Musicians and Singers – I know that if I go to a 7-8-9- or 10 piece band that we will have a Huge Sound that would certainly be Intoxicating – But that is not what the Agencies Need or Want – They want 5 pieces or less – I decided that “Champagne” will be a Five Piece Group: Consisting of a Male and Female Front – a Sequencing Midi Keyboard Player with the latest equipment vocals are a + - A Fantastic Lead Guitar Player that can sing Lead and is a Showman all by himself –
A Fantastic Tenor Sax Player who can Play the horn just like Sam Butera from Louis Prima’s Band, He was so good that he was Inducted into the “ Las Vegas “ Hall of Fame , -
The Tenor Sax player must play the melodies, fill ins, as well as read Charts and Sing Lead Vocals and is a showman all by himself – The Drums will be canned coming from the Keyboard Player - As you can see I am looking for the Cream of the Crop – Everybody in this group will be able to show off their special talents – Everybody can be a Star for a Night – If you sing better than me Halleluiah –
"Champagne” will be a Five Piece Group but I can assure you that we will not enter the music scene until we can produce a show that will compete or outshine the other Corporate Big Groups – and we will do this through Sequencing and Midi Files aiding The Live Talented Playing Musicians – So for all of you musicians who do the like the idea of having to play with canned music – Please do not apply –
The Economy is very bad – do not believe the news when they tell you that the USA Economy is getting better – Our Economy Stinks – and the Corporate Agencies are finding out more often then not that people want to Spend $2,000 or less usually $1,500. for a Good Group that sounds great – and when a band has 6,7,8,9, or 10 pieces they will not and can not work for that kind of money – so the agencies need smaller groups that have the same sound as the large groups and this can be done through Talent and Electronics – I know I am repeating myself but for all the musicians who are purest and do not like canned music please do not reply – The decision by the Talent Agencies to look for smaller bands with the same sound as the large groups is a BUSINES DECISION – The agencies are losing business or giving the work to DJ’s because they do not have the groups to fulfill the need of the Market Place - This is not about what we like it is about Making Money – If a Musician wants to work often in the best of places and for good pay he has to think like a business man not like an artist –
That means that you will have to do and play what the Talent Agency wants you to do and play - If you can not understand that this Corporate Wedding-Party Band Stuff is a big money making business for every one involved – Please do not apply - This is a Job – and may I say a Great Job – Hopefully you are not to blind to see that working in a Corporate Band is a Great Job - If you would like to be a Member of the next Corporate Band that will be in demand “Champagne” Please put your Phone Number in your Email with your Bio so that I can contact you by Phone – Do not apply until you read this complete Ad - I want you to understand what is means to work for a Corporate Agency – There are rules that you must follow and that you may not like –
The name of this band “Champagne” is not new – “Champagne” was formed and played in the Best of Clubs in the late 60’s to the early 70’s – “Champagne” is the name of my old band that played the Philadelphia, Central, North, and South Jersey Circuit back then – there is a picture of it at the bottom of this ad – look at the name on the music stands it says “Champagne”
I have decided to start “Champagne” again just like I have done many a times in the past – To fulfill the needs of the Corporate Talent Agencies - The band must have a Mature – Rich - Classy Look – That does not mean that you can’t be young – it means that even if you are young you still must look Mature and act Refined with Class – "Champagne" must have a Huge Intoxicating Sound – That means Pre-Recorded Music - The Band Must Look like it should be performing in Vegas - The band must be able to Play Everything – The members of the band should be able to read music and have a good Ear as well. – "Champagne will Consist of a keyboard Player: [Male or Female] that has the latest equipment and knows how to Sequence and or Midi – that means the keyboard player has prerecorded music on disks and when played through a PA system the audience hears a complete orchestra – The keyboard player then becomes a one man band with a big sound – we will also hire a Guitar and Tenor Saxophone player with a Girl Singer – The recorded music will aid the live musicians – The Female Singer and Keyboardist if that should be the case requirements are: [She or they] She must Look like she could perform in Vegas with her weight appropriate for her height – that means you must look like all the other Female Stars – If you do not know what they look like find out and then look in a mirror - do you qualify with your looks - if not Please do not apply – That’s right this Wedding-Party Band wants a girl that will captivate the audience with her looks alone before she even opens her mouth – You will dress in Sexual Classy Shimmering low cut dresses with slits up the sides and you will ware spiked hi heels – That means that all Females in this band have to have Sexy, Classy Looks – The Front Singer Especially - I do not care how good you sing – if you don’t look like a star I do not want you in “Champagne” – She must be able to sing all the Hits on VH1 that the Top Female Artist Sing – “Champagne” will not have a 4 Singer Front Line – We are only going to have 2 Singers – Me and the Girl – Now nobody wants to see me - that is why in this group “Champagne” the Female Artist will get all of the Attention up Front – She will be Special and if she wants to be treated special by the rest of the band she will give them the respect that they deserve – because without their expertise musician ship backing her up – She would be nothing on stage and sound like Crap – That goes for me to- Singers are nothing without a fantastic band behind them – Frank Sinatra always sang with the Greatest Orchestras - One or more of the other musicians in the band would also have to be able to sing the new songs on the charts today.– The New Material is a must – The Corporate Agency or Agencies that will be backing “Champagne” Demand that the band play Up to Date Material along with the Past – If you to want to work steady and often with good pay this is something you will have to accept - or do not bother to apply. –
Any Male musician applying for the job must be reliable have enough money to buy a tuxedo and have shined Black Leather Dress Shoes that are polished - and have good looking equipment that shines – I do not care how good your instrument Sounds it must also look new on Stage - Appearances on Stage are just as important as the sound that you make – If you want to make good money often – you have to look and sound like big bucks from the very beginning – Being a high paid musician takes Salesman ship - and you always must be selling yourself – People who pay $2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and even Ten Thousand Dollars for a Band for their private affair want Quality and Class not some hipster or whatever –
Every band that I ever had and ran - played in the best of Clubs and Restaurants and was in demand – A band is a business and must be run like a business – If you run your business well you can make a lot of money – If you do not run your business well you will not make good money and you may go bankrupt – So stop thinking like a Musician and Start thinking like business men and women and put together this Band called “Champagne” that will be in demand by every Talent Agency in the Philadelphia South Jersey Are –
The young kids today in most cases do not know how to play every kind of music and do not want to follow the rules of the talent agencies– So all of their bands play in bars for low pay – and they think they are cool because they are playing, and looking the way they want – and working at places like wal-mart to supplement their low musician income just to be able to do their own thing – When they get older and wiser – they should have learned by then - that those stupid decisions that they made when they were young were just STUPID PERIOD –
That means age is not a factor hear - If you are an Oldie but Goodie and feel and look sharp and have your act together with what you play email me: Carl Anthony
Before I decided to start my own group “Champagne” again - I ran Ads on Craigslist looking for work – This is one of my Ads
Read My Ad:
If you are a Sequence Keyboard Player with work – If you are an Oldies Group that has work – If you are a Wedding-Party Band that has work – I am an Oldie but Goodies and Standards singer and I want to sing the Oldies Doo Opp songs just like the record: just like I did years ago. I will purchase the latest up to date Live Sound Equipment if needed – Are their any musicians that are working and making money in need of an Oldie but Goodies Singer Especially the Doo Opp Ballads? - I can sing other songs and the Standards from the past but when I Sing with feeling the Oldie Doo Opp Ballads with their proper arrangements - that is really what the audience loves especially the Baby Boomers - I live in Plymouth Meeting, Pa – My Name is Carl Anthony - if you think my Oldie But Goodies Singing Specialties could be an asset to your band Email Me – I was a Front Man for 23yrs in many Cover and Wedding-Party Bands - some my own - in the 60's,and 70's and early 80's – When I was not singing up front I would play the Fender Bass – I performed most of the Top 40 songs on the charts in those days along with the Oldies But Goodies - Show Tunes - and the Standards – I then started my own business and gave up music for my business and a family life – I am now retired at the age of 57 - It has been 22yrs since I worked in the Music Business - I would like to entertain again in a Wedding-Party Band or an Oldies Group or I would love to find a Sequence Keyboard Player with the latest equipment that knew how to use it and a younger Female singer who could sing all of today’s music and have a Trio - We would be an instantaneous hit with the Corporate Agencies in Philadelphia - They are always looking for Trios with a big sound that can play anything - With a good Sequence Keyboard Player Coming out of your PA with all the instrumentation all Pre-Recorded and 2 Singers that can cover the past to the present that is all you would need - My Specialty at this point of my life would be singing The Oldies but Goodies Ballads [Doo Opp] - Show Tunes – Some of the Great Ballads of the 80's and the Standards - Why you should consider me: I would supply my own PA System if needed - Have my own Transportation - Tuxedo's - Shure SM58S microphones - Responsible - Good Character - Reliable – I have been a successful Business Man that has left me financially OK - I Get along with people – I can speak to an audience and know how to be an MC – I can sing harmony - I Still look good in a Tuxedo - and I can sing just as good as I did 22yrs ago. I am Willing to work and rehearse as much as needed with your group – I am willing to work for less money than what you pay your other singers and musicians in the beginning - just to show you what an asset I could be to your group - I have enclosed some recent pictures of myself – and some pictures of me performing in 1973 with my own band Champagne – I am the singer on the pedestal – I am the person in the middle of the first row in the second picture - My name is Carl - If you watch The Oldies Doo Opp Shows on Public TV and See How well The Oldie but Goodies Doo Opp Groups are received you will have to admit that there is a market for this kind of Act – The Baby Boomers Grew Up on this Music and they want to hear this music. Most of the people writing the checks for the Affairs of the Wedding-Party Bands are over 50 – I just came back to Philadelphia from West Palm Beach, Florida and 75% of all of the popular Radio Stations on the Gold Coast of Florida are playing nothing but Oldies – Songs from the 50,60,70 and 80’s – If you have a band with more than one singer and the singers are young and singing the up to date Music of Today’s Rock and Rap – Consider one more singer: Me with My Specialty Act of Solid Oldies – I need to get hooked up with some musicians and singers that understand that there is a market out there for the Oldies Review – I’m not talking about singing a few Oldies hear and there just to say that you play them – I am talking about performances that bring an audience to their feet with loud applause - That is what I can produce with the right band who can see the vision – Let the young Singers sing Today’s Music – Let Me - Take the audience back to the 50,60,70 and 80’s in style – In order for this Act to work right for your group - There must be another young singer or singers in your band who can handle to-days Rock and Rap – Now I know there are some Middle age Singers out there who have kept up with Today’s Music and that they can sing everything – That may be true – and it may not be True- I can sing the Oldie Ballads in most cases better than the original record –
When I would run this Ad talent agents would email me and tell me that in order to work in their Corporate Bands that I must and should be able to RAP and sing songs on the Top 40 Charts:
I would email them back and tell them that most of your Medium to Large Corporate Bands have 3 to 4 singers -with that many singers surely they all do not have to sing Top 40 Songs and be able to Rap – Most Good Singers DO NOT RAP – Rapping and Singing are two different talents – That would be like saying the a trumpet player should also be able to play a Saxophone and a Saxophone player should be able to play the trumpet.- When I performed years ago I was the only lead singer Front man in the band I had to sing everything and I did but I did not sing everything well – I only got by on certain songs - I was not great on every song that I sang some I sang better than others – and in those days there was not any RAP – And as you get older and wiser you realize that you should only sing songs that fit your style and range of singing so that you do your self and the song that you are trying to sing justice – Can a Jazz Guitarist play Rock the way Rock is suppose to be played? Can a Rock Guitarist Play Jazz the way Jazz is suppose to be played? If you are honest you will answer NO they can not – They both may be able to play a little of the other but that is not their specialty – Well the same goes for singers – and the booking agents should know this - Why do you need all of the singers singing the same kinds of Music? For That matter why do you need so many singers? Do you really need 3 and 4 singers today to play at a Wedding or Party? Two [2] Singers should be all that you need -I sang and Fronted bands Full time for Twenty Years and sang all of the songs all by my self - that is all that I did and I also handled all of the Bands Business – Now at this point in my life I want to choose what I’m going to sing and I choose Oldie Doo Opp – Standards – and R&B all from the past – If a song should come along that is new and I like it I will learn it and sing it but Please do not tell me what to sing at this point in my life – I know what has to be played at Weddings and Parties I realize that you just can not play Oldies and Standards – That is why you let the younger singers or singer sing the new material which they like because that is the music of their generation. Both of us are needed the Old and the Young – I am not trying to degrade or disrespect the Corporate booking agents – I just disagree with their reasons for being negative to someone with talent like myself just because I do not choose to sing every kind of music – I know that without the agents Sales ability for booking the work that I will just be stuck singing in the shower and not on stage - So I apologize if I offend any agent with my opinions - Please just be a little more flexible with your rules about Front Men - I know that I could be a great asset to a group - With a little practice I could probably have 50 Songs ready to go in about 2 weeks that means I could sing all of the ballads in a given night – Plus Cha-chas like [This Magic Moment] and [Our Day Will Come] Plus the R&B Songs that I can sing like [Try a Little Tenderness] and [Knock on Wood] - The bands only probably play 50 songs a night altogether so if the other singer or singers learn the new material and the RAP – there is no problem –
So if after reading this large Ad and I know I have repeated some of the same Topics over and over again because I am trying to get you to see the Truth – and I know I have offended a lot of Musicians because they do not want to accept the fact that Music is a Business – If you are one of the very few that can see the light and understand that I have been honest with you about what it means and takes to make Good Money and working often for a Corporate Band – Please Contact Me with your Bio and Phone Number - My name is Carl Anthony and I live in Plymouth Meeting, Pa - Thank You – For taking the time to read my ad - Carl

[Bukkake Tsunami]

I can't read that. Send me a bottle of everclear.

[Lando Griffin]

I read it all. Pretty funny stuff, it actually reminds me of my grandparents who always make fun of my cousin for having an original band, when he should just play in a wedding band instead!!!

Can you post the link?

[PABassPlayer]

I read it all. Pretty funny stuff, it actually reminds me of my grandparents who always make fun of my cousin for having an original band, when he should just play in a wedding band instead!!!

Can you post the link?

I'll look for it....it was about 2 weeks ago in craigslist/philadelphia/musicians

It really does crack me up, other people are posting to it, half busting his balls, the other half begging him to post more.

[whitemike]

Would ye send me some Everclear aswell?

[soulburn]

what the hell is canned music?